Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

You may think that as a lifeguard it's routine for me to get a raise. But it's not!

No, teens, in recent years Santa Cruz Adjacent has gotten behind other adjacent counties in both pay scale and in benefit packages.

And it looks like The Governator has dealt us yet another blow this week.

Our motto around here has always been "Over 1 Billion Saved", but that record is now in jeopardy as Santa Cruz Adjacent faces cuts to it's lifeguarding budget. And if you want to know how it feels to be cut, just ask my cousin and Tel Aviv Adjacent lifeguard, Nochus Johnstein.

Sure in the past we've raised money by dragging for pinks with Personal Water Craft, bikini car washes, and even by selling unclaimed swimsuits from the lost and found on EBay. But 1 billion dollars is a big gap to fill.

And this money is desperately needed! How else will we pay for our community outreach programs such as Beaches for Beaches, Pack Out Your Needles, and of course my own personal favorite, Surf Trunks for Jeans?

And it's not like lifeguarding has ever been a way to get rich. We do it for the love of it. For the free sunblock. And for the thongs of people.

So remember teens, paying your taxes doesn't always mean there's going to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow OR a Johnson up in that lifeguard tower to watch over you.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying…Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

Ever since Huntington Beach was awarded the title of Surf City, USA, both Santa Cruz Adjacent and Malibu Adjacent have been battling for the second most coveted title of "The Other Surf City, USA."

If you ask me, everyone knows that Malibu Adjacent may have the babes, but we have the waves. And we get more woodies around here than you can shake a stick at!

Just look at our history. The Santa Cruz Adjacent Surfing Club was established in 1929, on a day that would eventually come to be known as Brown Monday - the day when The Boardwalk's cesspool overflowed into the bay.

Yes, teens, you guessed it. That's how Steamers' got its name.

Our club had the biggest sticks around, we threw the biggest clam bakes, and we were never at a loss for a member.

Then in 1936, SPF 30 was created on this very beach. My grandfather was appointed as the first head lifeguard. And there's been a Johnson up in that tower ever since!

Most of all, winning the title of The Other Surf City, USA, would mean millions of dollars to our local economy and will attract thongs of people to our beaches.

So remember, teens, everything you read on the Internet is true. And if you don’t have time to read, you can always get the unpopular kid to do your homework.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying...Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

If there's one thing I get into more than bikini models, it's Woodies on the Wharf!

Yes, teens, it's that time again. Each year Santa Cruz Adjacent hosts one of California's premier auto shows - Woodies on the Wharf. And each year me and my unit are called on by the City Council to lend a firm hand.

Woodies on the Wharf has a special place in my heart. And as a surfer/lifeguard/spokesmodel, I've had more than one woodie in my day.

Yes, I can still remember cruising beaches by day with nothing but my stick and a little bit of Sex Wax.

And at night, I'd never be shy about showing a little rubber to impress a date.

Yes, when people saw me coming with my woodie, they'd all stand aside.

At least until that one hard night at Gomer's Pile when I lost control, released too early, and didn't even have time to pull out before I lost it over the side.

More than one young life was ruined on that night I tell you. In one stroke, I lost my woodie and I haven't been able to get it up since.

And believe me more than one SPF'er has tried.

So remember teens, always buckle up for safety. And always observe the "Ten and Two" rule to prevent driving accidents and unwanted teenage pregnancy.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying…Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

I'd like to talk to you about a very important subject - polluting runoff. Now, you might think that runoff is just a problem for the elderly. But it isn't.

Runoff can occur any time sewage is leaked into our local ocean or streams.

You may not know it, but you are creating runoff while performing even the most harmless of tasks: Like washing your car; or watering your backyard; or even when our own Homeless Chappy empties his chemical toilet into a storm drain.

Sometimes, runoff is beyond our control. Just like the call of nature.

For example, almost all of us look forward to the rain, and to how it makes everything as fresh as a summer's eve. Unfortunately, it also washes all of that dirt and grime off the streets and straight into our ecosystem where it confronts unsuspecting marine life.

I'm sure no one can forget the recent ordeal our own Santa Cruz Adjacent city mascot, Flippy the Two-Headed Seal, had with a discarded hypodermic needle.

Or there was Gypsy the Sea Turtle, who choked on a plastic bag. The poor gal got bound up tighter than the feet on a Chinese bride!

Luckily, there's a lot that we can do ahead of time to keep trash and recyclable waste off the streets and out of our bay. Just ask our own SPF'er, Jamaica St. Croix. She's a noted African American marine biologist, part-time Kwanzaa instructor, and an inaugural member of the local chapter of Beaches for Beaches. Now that's what I call diversity!

So remember teens, it's always cool to recycle at the curb and promote responsible dumping. And please, please, PLEASE, always pack out your needles.

And until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying…Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

Today I'd like to talk to you about a little known issue – and that's sexual harassment.

You may not have heard of sexual harassment because it's something people just don't like to talk about. Like Chappy the Homeless Guy, or the war in Iraq, or yes...tan lines.

Recently, the Santa Cruz Adjacent City Council has handed down a mandate. And I'm not talking about the sort of "mandate" you ladies out there were hoping for.

No, this mandate is an order that requires all Santa Cruz Adjacent businesses and public offices to provide sexual harassment training for their employees. But if you ask me, sexual harassment training is about as useful as cruising for the girls at New Leaf Market!

When it comes to SPF 30 - my lifeguarding unit - I've always just turned a smooth, bare cheek to sexual harassment. After all, harassment by an attractive person isn't really harassment at all. It's flattery!

But when my uncle, "Papa" Tube Steak Johnson, recently passed - the same uncle who often reared me as a child - and left me the family Fruit Smoothie Stand and Methadone Clinic, I suddenly found myself surrounded by thongs of needy and unattractive employees. And they were all looking for my input!

So I've created the Notch Johnson Do-It-Yourself Sexual Harassment Correspondence Course and Guide Book. It's loaded with useful tips on how to avoid sexual harassment: Like by not shaving; or more by eating lots of asparagus; or even more by wearing a Hasidic hat and beard.

And there’s even a chapter on what to do if you get caught!

So pick up the Notch Johnson Do-It-Yourself Sexual Harassment Correspondence Course and Guide Book today! It's available at all of your finer booksellers, surf shops and car washes.

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

During this recent High Surf Advisory my unit has been busier than the Santa Cruz Adjacent INS office on Amnesty Fridays!

We've been plucking surfers and swimmers from the water all week, and boy, I sure am tired.

When this is all over I can't wait to curl up in front of the TV with Season 3 of Desperate Housewives. It's what I did the last time I felt like a groin pull.

In fact, the situation got so bad yesterday, we had to reinstate the draft for our Junior Lifeguards ROTC program! They'll probably think twice the next time they sign up for that free college money.

At one point, the waves got so big that our own Homeless Chappy had to wear a snorkel and a wetsuit just to dig through the garbage cans on the beach. The good news is that it's the first time he's bathed since the tsunami.

So remember teens, it's best to stand well back from the ocean when the surf is this big. Because like a Jehova's Witness on your doorstep, you never know when a rogue wave may appear.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying...Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

Well it looks like my window is just about to open. And by "window" I mean the annual Big Red Johnson Invitational Memorial Big Wave Surfing Contest.

The BRJIMBWSC is held every December at Maverick's in memory of my dad - Santa Cruz Adjacent surfing legend, Big Red Johnson.

Maverick's is a little known big wave surfing spot north of Santa Cruz Adjacent. It's famous for creating some huge wipeouts, especially for those surfers who tend to eat a little too much oatmeal.

For those of you who are still in surf school, let me take you back to the year The 1960s. The year of a legendary winter typhoon that came all of the way from Japan. It was the year of Miso Honei.

On the beach, Big Red Johnson was famous because he never pulled out, especially on a wave. And he never backed down from a ride, no matter how big it got.

While my dad was known for his ability to handle himself when it got big, Miso Honei was just too much for him, and he really got it in the end.

So remember teens, it's important to always practice water safety around big waves. And as my lovely female lifeguarding assistant BJ Cummings always says - that kind of size requires special handling.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying...Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

When I'm not busy pulling swimmers from the water with my unit, or teaching my Junior Lifeguards about the dangers of cellulite and "Man Boobs", you can usually find me doing the thing that I enjoy most.

And that's being a Surf School Instructor.

The Cowell's Reef Adjacent Boarding School - or CRABS as I like to call it - was started back in the year, The 1990s. And over the years I've been able to bring the love of surfing to thongs of people.

In fact, surf schools have become so popular that you can almost walk across the floaters in the lineup.

Recently, the Santa Cruz Adjacent City Council has started cracking down on surf schools. The City Council now wants us to provide proof of liability insurance, reduce our class sizes, and even pay sales tax. Just like they do in communist surfing countries!

I'd like to ask every American to take a moment to remember all of the good that unregulated surf schools do in "da community".

There was the time I taught the Hernandez family that jeans, or "hhheans", are to be worn UNDER their wetsuits.

Or when I helped little Timmy with his "pop-up" by submersing him in the cold ocean water.

Unregulated surf schools are as much a part of this community as jay walkers, illegal immigrants, or even the guy that picks through your recyclable waste can on Tuesday nights!

So remember, teens, you're never too young to start surfing. And maybe someday you'll even get CRABS.

Until then, this is Notch Johnson saying...Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here. It looks like another annoying red menace is plaguing Santa Cruz Adjacent beaches this week.

And this time I'm not talking about my Junior Lifeguards program!

No, teens, it's called a Red Tide.

And scientists say there's more life wiggling around out there in the water right now than a fat guy in a wetsuit.

Red Tide can be the result of rain runoff, dumping in the ocean, or even a monthly cycle.

Happily, there's no real danger to humans. And remember, a little swelling and redness is normal. But if this condition persists even after some vigorous self examination, be sure to see a doctor.

Or a priest.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying...Ride the big one!

Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here. You may have heard that me and my unit have been battling the Light Brown-apple Moth this week. And boy, things are SURE getting hairy out there. So hairy, it's worse than a Santa Cruz Adjacent beach in summertime!

Scientists have told us that the Light Brown-apple Moth - or "L'BM" as I like to call it - is more destructive to California than an earthquake, tsunami, and Lindsay Lohan all rolled into one.

Like I said, the Light Brown-apple Moth has kept us on our toes lately. In fact, things have been so exciting around here that I had to dispatch my unit three times last night!

So remember, teens, don't stand around outside with your mouths open after 8PM.

And until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying...Ride the big one!