Oh, hi, teens. Notch Johnson here.

Today I'd like to talk to you about a little known issue – and that's sexual harassment.

You may not have heard of sexual harassment because it's something people just don't like to talk about. Like Chappy the Homeless Guy, or the war in Iraq, or yes...tan lines.

Recently, the Santa Cruz Adjacent City Council has handed down a mandate. And I'm not talking about the sort of "mandate" you ladies out there were hoping for.

No, this mandate is an order that requires all Santa Cruz Adjacent businesses and public offices to provide sexual harassment training for their employees. But if you ask me, sexual harassment training is about as useful as cruising for girls at New Leaf Market!

When it comes to SPF 30 - my lifeguarding unit - I've always just turned a smooth, bare cheek to sexual harassment. After all, harassment by an attractive person isn't really harassment at all. It's flattery!

But when my uncle, "Papa" Tube Steak Johnson, recently passed - the same uncle who often reared me as a child - and left me the family Fruit Smoothie Stand and Methadone Clinic, I suddenly found myself surrounded by thongs of needy and unattractive employees. And they were all looking for my input!

So I've created the Notch Johnson Do-It-Yourself Sexual Harassment Correspondence Course and Guide Book. It's loaded with useful tips on how to avoid sexual harassment: Like by not shaving; or more by eating lots of asparagus; or even more by wearing a one-piece.

And there’s even a chapter on what to do if you get caught!

So pick up the Notch Johnson Do-It-Yourself Sexual Harassment Correspondence Course and Guide Book today! It's available at all of your finer booksellers, surf shops and car washes.

Until next time, this is Notch Johnson saying...Ride the big one!